Monday, December 14, 2009

[Insert Hopeful Title Here]

Albert Einstein said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. This is definitely true for us women blessed with infertility: we experience a monthly form of psychosis.

After 30 months of trying to conceive and after 30 months of failing'd think I'd be used to this feeling. That I would accustom myself to the disappointment that comes with the physical evidence that once again - once.again. - I am not pregnant. And sometimes, I AM accustomed to it. Sometimes I do fine - oh, sure - I whine a bit, I lay around and moan with chocolate and a heating pad...but fertility-wise, I do OK. But other times.....oh, other times....I do NOT do fine. Other times, I feel trapped in a broken body. Other times, I wonder why I ever thought "this month will be different!" Other times, I want to do physical harm to every pregnant woman I know (alienating myself from over half of my close friends....silly fertile ward). Other times, I sit at my desk biting my lip, hand over my eyes, trying desperately to keep quite as the tears trickle down my cheeks. Other times, all I can think is...why me?

And then I remember that I am not that unique. I remember that a good deal of my friends - friends who are now mothers - have experienced exactly this. I remember that infertility is becoming an unfortunately common diagnosis. And I remember that above all...above ALL - there is One who, long ago, voluntarily chose to experience infertility.....just so that I could go to Him in prayer and He could say, "...I know.....I know...".........And that is when I sigh...pick up my head....replenish the hope........and brace myself for another month.**
**The painting is "Miracle of the Gulls" by Minerva Teichert, one of my favorite artists. I love the strength in the woman's face...and, considering the story, is how I like to think I feel every month.


Shannon said...
2:51 PM  

thanks for this post, Sus. I feel the same way being single, but not just on a monthly basis. just an inspirational story for you: my best friend experienced infertility, but she and her husband were blessed with 2 beautiful adopted children. She is now expecting her first (non-adopted) in march.

Cecily said...
8:17 PM  

I feel your longing everyday. It is total stinky-poo-face. Thanks for your post. And for hope.

I love you. That is all.

teresa said...
9:37 PM  

You can have Alex.

I love you.

Krisanne said...
6:26 AM  

this is a beautiful post, s. your vulnerability is so touching and resonant. i can't even begin to describe this big love i have for you. it is so big.




Sufoot said...
1:41 PM  

Shannon - having been where you are (older and single) and been where I am...I can honestly say, what you're going through is easier. It's not fact, when I was 30 and single, I couldn't imagine a lonlier state. ...Until now. I pray for you! So much!

Cecily - sinky poo-face....beautifully and appropriately said.

Teresa - thank you for making me laugh....I'll take 'im!

Kri - mine is bigger than yours....(meaning my love for you.....o' course).

Sarah said...
7:30 PM  

This is a beautiful post! Good luck to you!

-Sarah (DeFord) Williams

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