Thursday, October 21, 2010

Please Don't Punch Me In The Face

What I'm about to say may not be a popular statement. It may elicit anger and violence from some of my fertile friends. It may frustrate and depress my infertAdd Imageile friends. But I cannot hold it in any longer.

...I love being pregnant.

No, wait....let me say that again:

I LOVE being pregnant.

Let me be clear on something: It hasn't been a cakewalk. Heartburn started early and with ferocity (for the past 5 months I've been on prescription strength antacids). Headaches unlike I've ever known started about month 4 and after exhausting the limited strength of Tylenol (seriously, who does that work for?), my doctor prescribed me the strongest thing I could take...and it really didn't do much at all. And now I'm in that "my stomach is scrunched up so tiny that I eat 5 bites and I'm full and nauseous and wanting to throw up because there Is.No.Room" phase of pregnancy. As an avid Weight Watcher-er, seeing the scale tip past The Number Which Should Not Be Named has been scary. I've been confined to wearing flip flops for 3 months. And, already being a fidgety sleeper, I have HATED having to deal with sleeping with this newly shaped body.

However...HOWEVER.......I still love EVERY minute of this journey.

Granted, I fought hard to be here. I was born wanting to be a mother. When I was little and people asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I'd say "a ballerina, an ice skater, a nurse, and a mother". At college, I quite literally wanted to kidnap every baby I saw on campus (...there is an annoying amount of babies on the BYU campus). As I got older and single-er, I started feeling violent towards all the girls with whom I grew up as they had baby after baby...and I went home to my lonely apartment every night. When I finally got married at age 31, I felt gratitude that I had "life experiences" under my belt. Two months into our marriage we started "trying" and 3 years, 3 IUI's, 1 IVF and over $20,000 later, I find myself 7 weeks away from my dream.

Oh yes...I fought hard to be here. And, once again, I feel gratitude that the journey was long.

But that's not why I love it.

I love being pregnant because....because I'm a partner with God in creation (finally!). Because Andrew and I will have a tangible product of our love to show off to the world (finally!). Because the science of the whole reproduction thing is absolutely astounding to me - I am literally GROWING A HUMAN BEING IN MY BODY (finally!). And because every time I feel this little boy squirm, every time he pushes and kicks and hiccups and twirls and giggles (yes, I think my boy is already giggling)....every time I watch my belly do that creepy wave, I am reminded that He Is Mine (FINALLY!); that Heavenly Father is loaning me one of his Most Awesome spirits to raise and love and protect and teach and guide through this mortal coil.

I am filled to the brim with joy and love. I am glowing and emotional. I am crazy and needy. I am awestruck and humbled. I am fat and happy.


*This painting is called "For This Child I Prayed" and my sister gave me a framed print of it at my baby shower. It's the story of Hannah and her desire for a son (Samuel) and the prophet Eli promising her she would be a mother.


Linz said...
9:12 AM  

I'm so happy for you!! I know it has been hard at times, but you have bared it well.

I cannot wait to meet Eli, Yay!!!

And then someday, when I'm pregnant, you can remind me not to complain so much and to be as awesome as you were when pregnant.

psbtw, maybe we could totally be preggo together...your 2nd or 3rd and my 1st...that would be fun!

Melanie said...
10:10 AM  

I won't punch you in the face. Promise. I'm thrilled for you that you love it. And jealous that you love it. And I kind of think maybe I'm just a little short on the kind of faith that reminds you of the divinity of pregnancy and motherhood. . .

Thanks for the reminder. And YAY for only 7 more weeks!

Krisanne said...
11:40 AM  

This post is all kinds of lovely. It makes me want to kiss you in your face and not punch you in your face.

Cami said...
4:11 PM  

This is on my list of all time favorite blog posts ever. You are going to love that little boy like no boy has ever been loved. Heck, you already do.

I loved pregnancy as well, even when I had complications. I loved every crazy symptom and still cannot get over that I MADE THESE KIDS!!! Wow.

Cecily said...
6:26 PM  

Love this post. Love you. So, so, so very happy for you.

teresa said...
8:54 AM  

Because I really did need to be weeping at 7:54 am today...

Is this where you got the name? If so, I might love it even more now.

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